


I want u(s) back.

by fairytaeil (bbsungies)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Crying, Exes, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Kinda, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Post-Break Up, Sad, Sad Mark Lee (NCT), Songfic, lyrics from ex by stray kids lol i love my babies, markhyuck my bbies :((, well its implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27271087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbsungies/pseuds/fairytaeil
Summary: “I guess I really didn’t realize, it’s so hard to breathe when I’m not with you, what did I have so much faith in to do that?” this, this is an apology, a letter and words that he wished to have uttered earlier.Or, Alternatively: Mark finds the guts to apologize in the form of a song– except it isn't that easy, not when theres a rusty two year old breakup, a pair of broken hearts and a lot tears involved.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63





	I want u(s) back.

Mark leaves a message. 

  


It's a simple question, yet Mark's hands tremble as he types the words, shaking with hesitance and the screen turns blurry as Mark's eyes burn with overbearing tears. 

  


it’s so, so wrong. 

  


It's been two years since Mark left, yet he still remembers this day. how could he not? they'd shared their first kiss on this day, they got together this day, and mark still remembers how Donghyuck looked so exquisite with effulgence under the moon's glow, with shimmering eyes that seemed like the held all the tenderness in the world and beyond– but, he also remembers this day for, the day he left, the day he broke off ties– with breaking hearts and tied souls, Mark let Donghyuck slip through his fingers.

  


to think he’d be able to make it out okay with his packed schedule and with the heavy stress that comes with being a singer. god, all Mark needs is a something to take his mind off everything; to let go, to forget the burdens that lie on his fallen shoulders. he wants to forget it all, even if it is for just a minute. he wants to lose himself to bliss, without worries dithering around in his mind. 

  


a bliss; that comes in the form of Lee Donghyuck. 

  


it would have been their sixth anniversary.

  


if only mark hadn’t been so greedy. 

  


with a bleeding heart, stabbed by his own knife, 

  


he clicks send and tears that are heavier than the load on his shoulders fall. 

  


Mark regrets it all. he regrets how he was the reason donghyuck’s heart fell to pieces and his heart breaks all over again when he sees the illusion of donghyuck in his mind, looking up at him with desperation as tears lay at the corner of his eyes, ready to fall like their relationship. Mark thinks he cracks a little more quotidian, and there's only a short modest amount of time before he loses himself, utterly devastated to no return. 

  


Mark doesn’t know where he went wrong. He doesn't know when he started putting his own responsibilities before the love of his life. 

  


he also knows he’s losing his memories; they fade farther away from him as time goes on and on. he can't hear hyuck's soft, ebullient giggles anymore, and Mark can't even recollect how warm hyuck felt when they’d hug, swaying side to side with just them and the serene silence lingering in the air surrounding them. Mark’s love is drifting away too, withering away like the petals of a dead flower and Mark wonders how long he’ll be sane. he weeps, he wails, yet the ache in his chest doesn't halt and he swears it feels like honed, broken fragments of glass wringing into his heart. he misses him, without a doubt and Mark pulls at his hair in desperation, 

  


pain. that’s what the older deserves. he’d let Donghyuck hurt and bruise him, if that meant that his hatred would turn into anger, just so that raging anger could be relieved and they could go back to how they were. he’d do anything, if it meant they could go back into each other's arms.

  


it’s funny how love works; it’s killing him, yet it’s his only cure. 

  


he needs donghyuck, but he can’t say that anymore; not after he’s the one that left him with trembling hands, not after he greedily went after popularity, leaving behind the light in his life. 

  


it’s too late, he’s always too late.

  


he hears his manager, Johnny, call out for him. Somewhere, he sounds muffled and Mark feels like he’s floating underwater. He feels himself reeling and his legs hit the side of his bed before Mark slouches down. his foggy vision finally dwindles back to normal as he reaches his hands out blindly until he can feel the corner of his bed, where he clenches his bedsheets, hard, till the pain in his heart subsides to a dull throb. he hastily wipes the tears that dampen his cheeks with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, and they stain, dark and ugly– a temporary reminder of his little breakdown. he can’t take his eyes off the wet stains, because this, this is the outcome, the consequences. of what? he doesn’t know. is it falling in love? is this the outcome of his own selfishness? or is this fate's cruel way of telling him that he shouldn’t have ever left? 

  


his eyes burn as he blinks fitfully, and he takes in a deep breath of air to calm his irregular breathing. though, his head snaps up when his bedroom door opens with brutal force, and in stumbles his manager.

  


"Mark! I've been calling for you, I thought you fell asleep again. at least give me a heads u– wait, dude are you okay?" 

  


Mark nods mindlessly, his head sunk towards his lap to avoid Johnny's knowing gaze and if Johnny notices the tear stains on his sweatshirt, he decides to say nothing about it. Mark sits stiff as he feels Johnny hesitate over his words, too busy making sure his small form doesn't rumble due to the sobs that dare to wreck through his body. 

  


"well… if you say so. hurry up, the makeup team is already waiting at the venue and if we don't leave in 10 then we'll be behind our planned schedule. plus, you know yeji and her team hate waiting." 

  


Mark hums in response, not trusting his voice and waits till Johnny leaves, letting out a deep breath once he hears the door close.

  


and the cycle begins once again; to put on a neutral face, to go to the studio and lose himself to the music and then return at midnight, tired and on the brink of falling asleep. 

  


It's an unhealthy coping method, Mark knows, but he loves music, maybe not as much as he loves donghyuck, but music's been one of his priorities for a long, long time. (maybe that's why he left too.) so, he lets himself flow with the rhythm, producing, writing and singing all day till he falls apart, giving up to sleep as he stops for the day– just to relive it once night washes away. it keeps his mind from drifting off, it keeps him distracted, and although it's not one of his best habits, at least he isn't hurting...right? 

  


they say you don't realize what you have until it's truly gone– Mark disagrees though, he always knew what he had, he just never thought he'd lose it. he still remembers the day, an opportunity sat in the form of a letter right in his palms. he can't even explain the ecstasy that he had felt buzzing all over his body as he excitedly rambled about it to donghyuck who was just as enthusiastic as him– but opportunity meant change, and Mark hates change. 

  


an opportunity that led him all the way to Seoul, the heart of korea but most importantly, away from donghyuck. 

  


years and years of sweat and tears had basically built up to this moment– when he performs in front of thousands of people, the thrill that the crowd and the performer share, the eager screams and the music running in his body like adrenaline– but, even the stage can't help him from feeling hiraeth.

  


he envisioned Donghyuck with him, singing with the honey voice of his and glowing with sheer happiness as the two boys create their own melody– as they give music their own meaning.

  


Unfortunately, fate had other plans. While Mark got accepted, Donghyuck was left empty handed, where a letter should’ve been, although his hands felt even heavier empty with nothing to hold onto. Now here they are, one a singer and one a designer, with heartbreak and longing being the only common thing between them. 

  


so yes, the cycle repeats itself, and Mark voids himself of any forlorn emotion. 

  
  
  


he sits in the back of the posh car, humming over some pop song that plays from the radio as Johnny drives to their venue. ever so often, Mark glances at his phone, only to be greeted with a blank screen. It's disappointing, for sure, but even messaging Donghyuck was a big step and Mark feels better, just a little, to know that there might be a chance he could reach Donghyuck, whether he gets a reply or not. after Mark left, Donghyuck blocked him on all platforms, which hurts like a bitch but Mark doesn't blame him, because shit, he'd do the same too. he's overwhelmed, but he still nods to whatever johnny says– which happens to be a reminding session of his schedule for the day, including all the songs he's supposed to be singing at the concert. 

  


He's released a new mini album just a month back with a soft, summer aesthetic that he thinks feels too nostalgic. the promotions for the title song have only finished about a week back, but he's already holding a concert for his fans– sunflowers, he calls them. It's a simple fandom name, and it all began when his fans had started calling him sunshine and even Mark bee from the one time he wore a yellow and black striped shirt. it had evolved from there though, since bees adore sunflowers, that symbolize lasting happiness. (and if the name sunflowers reminds him vaguely of donghyuck– his haechan, then that's no one's business but his.) it's simple yet meaningful, and Mark thinks everyone deserves to have their own sunflower, their own ball of serotonin, regardless of whatever form it may be in. 

  


(it makes him smile, the one comment that says Mark is their sunflower.)

  


it shocks him, how fast the tickets had sold out, how fast his albums had run out and all the immense love he received from not only his fans, but his sunbaenim's too. 

  


("I'm getting love from everyone but from whom I need it the most." Mark states to himself. sorry, self deprecating jokes are just his thing; another poor unhealthy coping method of his.) 

  


When they finally reach the concert hall, Mark's greeted with beautiful flower bouquets being shoved into his arms and many congratulations by his staff for his successful album release, and Mark makes sure to thank them all with the most appreciation he can muster. 

  


Time goes by in a blur from there, with his phone set on one of the dressing tables, Mark's pushed into a chair in front of the mirror by Yeji, his makeup artist, who makes sure to scold him for not taking care of his skin more. She starts applying her makeup products and Mark thinks he dozes off a little because when he wakes up she's replaced by yuna, who's spraying an ungodly amount of hair products to his already dead hair. once again, he doesn't remember how much time has passed from then. When Mark can finally breathe again, the sun has settled down, and he barely even remembers changing into his stage outfit in the midst of everything.

  


before he even realizes it, someone yells a few digits and there's just a few minutes till Mark gets on the stage. he takes one last look at himself in the mirror, he's adorned in a clean white shirt with simple black jeans which are embellished with an elegant Aegean and red plaid coat that compliments his makeup well, even balancing out the simplicity that comes with the white shirt and jeans. his shoes are of the same fashion, just some comfortable black van's that matched with the color theme of his outfit. Mark also knew that unfortunately, he'd be feeling sweaty and disgusting once the concert ended– all due to the heavy coat and the thick shirt underneath. 

  


He makes sure his ear pieces are working just fine, and that his mic is fixed properly so it doesn't fall off mid performance before he checks his hastily phone to check if there's anything important.

  


surprisingly, there is. there's a green tick next to the message he sent to Donghyuck earlier, and it's an indication that the message has been seen. it makes him even more agitated and Mark pushes the feeling to the back of his mind a little too easily. There's no reply, but the little tick is enough to know he's been acknowledged. He doesn't want to get his hopes up, but he just hopes Donghyuck is at least a little proud of him. 

  


Unfortunately, Mark gets dragged to the back stage by one of the staff, where he can hear the screams of his fans as they watch the intro playing. it finally hits him and with round eyes, that he’s about to go and see his sunshines, he gasps, his mood lifted instantly. he feels a little nervous, as he cracks his knuckles and plays with his fingers, but it’s a good kind of nervous, like he’s holding back his delirium for when he’s on the stage. he meets his managers eyes, who gives him a warm smile. Mark smiles back, unsaid words lingering before them. 

  


(“if you mess up I’ll strangle you. do your best, good luck.” Mark knows Johnny doesn’t mean it, but he still appreciates the words– not to mention it’s kind of hypocritical of Johnny to say that, after all he’s always going on and on about how everyone makes mistakes and deserve a second chance if they have really changed. Mark just feigns a chuckle.) 

  


he bows to a few of his backup dancers that are ready to go on stage, and they offer him a small smile in return. another staff with a notepad in her hand tells him that it’s time go up, and Mark nods in an instant, eagerly, as the lights on the stage go out. he can hear the audience quiet down a little with curiosity and anticipation and Mark takes a long, heavy step onto the stage, walking to his position. 

  


the lights turn back on, and Mark stands confidently under the spotlight. His fans scream, loud, and Mark's eyes widen when he sees how many people are actually watching him. He feels himself be at ease, because when he looks at his fans' faces, he’s struck by the utter love they have for him. They are the reason he’s come so far, and Mark is determined to show them his best once again.

  


the first few beats of his song play, and Mark loses himself to the music once again.

  
  


Mark is sure an hour had passed, but he can’t get himself to be bothered about it, not when there’s adrenaline running through him, not when he feels so happy. his body aches, quite a lot but he pays no mind to that. 

  


"-just wanted to thank you all once again, for supporting me! i love you all!" Mark ends his extremely long ending ment, "oh right! to finish the concert off, I actually prepared a song that I'd like to show to all of you…" the crowd murmurs as the energetic mood settles down to something more serene. "I wanted to sing this song not as Mark Lee, but as Lee minhyung. To be honest, this song means a lot to me… and I want to show everyone a more vulnerable part of myself. this song, isn't just a song, it's my thoughts, my feelings and a piece of my heart that I've always hidden." –and it's a letter to someone, Mark wants to say. He can't look through the huge audience, but a part of him wishes that Donghyuck took up his offer. a backup dancer runs onto the empty stage, handing Mark his guitar, the one he used to play years ago. "so, with that being said, I hope you guys like a short part of ex!"

  


He ignores how his hands are shaking and fixes his mic so it's closer to the guitar as the lights around him dim down. 

  


mark takes a deep breathe, feeling a hurl of emotions hitting him. he's scared, and what keeps him 

going is the small thought that his fans believe in him. 

  
  


" _I left you with just the words I’m sorry, writing out our sad ending with trembling hands._ " Mark sings, accompanied only by the sound of his guitar. His voice is fairly soft yet they hold raw emotions, like a secret passing with the winds. He apologizes through the song, he’s never been good with words, but they come to him easily when writing. Perhaps it’s because saying them out loud makes them real, and Mark doesn’t want to accept that. The apology feels familiar on his lips from all the times he’d whisper it to himself, and now he wants to yell it out loud, to be at least acknowledged, if not forgiven. 

  


" _After I sent you away I was left in pain. It was all my fault, so why am I hurting?_ " The words hit him hard, and Mark felt his eyes twinge as he blinks back any tears that could fall. He's never found it easy to move on, and it’s both a curse and a blessing– though it feels like a curse at the moment, and for the past two years.

  


" _Even if I act like everything is fine, I can’t lie about this longing making me regret it all_." Mark tries to keep his voice from faltering, his notes reaching higher in desperation as he lets his emotions free, like a cry of anguish, and he doesn’t care if his fans see how broken he truly is, to see how much he’s hurting. 

  


" _I search for your in our broken memories, even when I grasp one, all I remember is your tears_ " the good is overshadowed by the bad, and out of all their memories together, Mark can only remember the tears, the broken gaze, and the horrible feeling of heartbreak.

  


“ _You can curse me out as much as you like, Do it until your hatred for me turns into anger. As long as you can let it all out and we can go back to how we were.”_ Mark slows down, singing the words firmly, and he knows Donghyuck may never forgive him, but he still loves donghyuck, and he’d love him for eternity (and that’s a promise to himself.) 

  


“ _I guess I really didn’t realize, it’s so hard to breathe when I’m not with you, what did I have so much faith in to do that?_ ” this, this is an apology, a letter and words that he wished to have uttered earlier– and mark doesn't even know if they'll ever reach the person who the words are meant to find. maybe that's the terrifying part. to have never been forgiven, that's what lingers in his mind the most. to have no closure, knowing he'd regret his actions for the rest of his life. 

  


“ _You can curse me out as much as you like, Do it until your hatred for me turns into anger. As long as you can let it all out and we can go back to how we were._ ” his fingers slow down against the strings of the guitar, voice fading out slowly as his fans screams resonate in his mind. 

  


_ to you. _

  


he leaves the stage before his tears can fall. 

  
  
  


Hours later, Mark is riding home– alone, since his closest staff decided it was a good day to go for a treat as a reward for everyone's hard work, and Mark somehow managed to escape their wrath and be left once, which he's grateful for. his body feels like it was run over and Mark barely even has any energy to keep himself up. his driver seems to have a dislike towards the radio as he doesn't play it at all, and his phone is long dead, leaving him to boringly gaze outside the window as the last resort. 

  


After his last stage, Mark swore he cried for an eternity in one of the bathroom stalls (realistically, he only cried for about half an hour, but oh well.) his eyes definitely felt like they were drained of any tear, with sleep being the only residue. Johnny found him later, eyes tear stained and with ruined eye makeup. Mark only avoided him, not wanting to be interrogated. He knows Johnny only wants the best for him and for some reason Mark doesn't let him. 

  


He feels emotionless again, a feeling that he's so used to. He can't even comprehend the thoughts in his head, as they fly past him like dust in the wind. His driver breaks the heavy silence surrounding them, alerting him that they’ve reached their destination; his house. Mark leaves the car with a thank you, expecting to see no one around but the sight in front of him catches his breath in utter surprise, disbelief, awe, and so many more emotions that Mark can’t even fathom to explore and identify. 

  


He feels like seconds stop, and suddenly it’s only the two of them, a few many feet away from each other, and Mark hates how the distance between them is so immense. the emotions hit him like a wave, and his chest tightens like the thread at their fingers. 

  


Then the boy before him smiles and Mark lets out a shaky breath. tears well up in his eyes for the nth time that day, but these aren’t tears of sadness– no, they couldn’t ever be. there’s so many questions running in his head, but Mark pays no attention to them, not as one tear drips down his cheek, not as the boy steps forward, and definitely not as he lets his eyes wander over the latter's features.

  


he’s grown so much, Mark realizes with a first. His features look more mature than they did years back, although his lips still look as kissable as they did before, and his eyes still have softness that they did everytime Mark was around. That's how he knows donghyuck hasn’t changed, for the most part. He's lost a lot of his baby fat which makes Mark pout inwardly, missing his squishy face. It's sad Mark can’t call him his squishy blob fish anymore. his hair looks different too, rather than the damaged red tomato hair that he had years before, they’re dyed a soft shade that falls somewhere in the scale of blonde now, complimenting and balancing with his glowing honey skin in an exquisite manner that doesn’t fail to take marks breath away. 

  


their eyes meet with a burst of another emotion, and Mark almost cries out at the way donghyuck’s eyes glisten. he wonders if Donghyuck has tears in his eyes for the same reason as him, and he’s given his answer when donghyuck raises his hands, reaching out for him. 

  


mark all but runs into his arms, crumbing, falling and letting go of everything as he revels in donghyuck’s arms. with his arms wrapped tightly and his face buried in the crook of donghyuck’s neck, he whispers out an apology, his voice being stuck in his throat. 

  


he can finally breathe when donghyuck’s arms around his waist tighten, feeling a sob wreck through the latters body. This is when he knows he’s been acknowledged, and even though Donghyuck has grown so much through the years, Mark can still read him the same, knowing that the latter has been yearning just as much as him. Donghyuck's body against his feels a little foreign, and Mark feels afraid, thinking he’s forgotten how Donghyuck feels. there’s so many changes that he has to get accustomed to, and although hard, he’s looking forward to them, since they signify the fact that they’ll be together in the near future.

  


When he feels Donghyuck's hands clench his jacket, Mark relaxes, sighing out, feeling more comfortable than ever. Donghyuck's hugs had never felt like just hugs, and they still feel like so much more; a warm home for mark to cuddle into, an intoxication that lifts off the weights on his back, and love that makes him forget of his worries. he feels so warm, and marks heart clenches, knowing he’s missed this so, so much. 

  
  
  
  


he knows they’ll be okay– he’ll do  _ anything  _ to make sure they’ll be okay, and they might not be the same anymore, they’ve grown, loved, fallen apart and found each other back again and that is enough for mark to know that this is their second chance. he is ready to love and learn the newer, older Donghyuck, and he hopes the latter is too. 

  


he doesn’t know what the future will bring, but right now, in this moment, Donghyuck is all he needs, because in the end of the day, it’s always been him, and mark, for a fact, knows that this time he’ll do everything to hold onto Donghyuck. 

  
  
  
  
  


(“did you ever… hate me?”

  


“god, no mark. when you left, i was heartbroken, yeah, didn’t leave my house for months and cried so much that I got dehydrated and fainted multiple times, i even got my ass dragged to a club by Jaemin so I could forget about you for once and get laid, but I could never hate you, and to be honest, I forgave you a long, long time ago baby.”

  


“you went to a club to get laid?!”

  


“mark! out of everything I said, is that all you understood?!”) 

**Author's Note:**

> aaa the enddddd lmao thank you for reading!! comments and kudos are greatly appreciated and I hope you guys enjoyed this fic !! 🌱 <33
> 
> the lyrics mark was singing are from ex by stray kids! although I didnt follow the exact story that ex tells, i changed it up a bit to fit markhyucks story :DD
> 
> I also recently made a curious cat and twt acc where I post art so if you ever wanna talk to me then feel free to message me on [my twt](https://twitter.com/bequieart?s=09)  
> or send something through here !! [my curious cat !](https://curiouscat.qa/bequieart) ((if you wanna ask any of the characters from this fic any questions then you can ask them through my cc! just please keep in mind to mention the books name lol))
> 
> anyways super random ending note ahead where I just talk more about this fic;; 
> 
> so like one day I was feeling particularly sad and then yestoday started playing on spotify and yestoday is like one song that I always skip, regardless of how good it is bc it always makes me cry so I was like, yk what? why not just turn my emotions into a fic so this fic was orignally supposed to have yestoday's lyrics in it but then while reading them I realized they held a similar emotion to the one ex by skz had so then I planned to mix up ex and yestoday's lyrics to make up a story but in the end I used all of ex's lyrics dksjsiksks oops 
> 
> also this took like 2 weeks to write and idek how that happened but whatever I procrastinated alot and barely had time to write with school and art collabs that I had to finish ^^ I had a horrible day today so I came back to finish writing this and like I'm glad I could o.O
> 
> I'm happy with how this in the end, although not super proud I can say I'm satisfied with this unlike my other fics 🤡KCNSKXNAKNXKSBXZKNXSK 
> 
> ok ok I'm going now lol byeeee ily if you're still reading this 😀😀
> 
> ALSO WHY TF ARE SONGFICS SO HARD TO WRITE JWJDKSJSISI I SWEAR I LOST MY ONE BRAINCELL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WRITE A SONGFIC LMAO rip 😿🔫‼‼


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